SeemaKhan

I wrote a chapter in my book The Inner Shift called “Release Attachments”. This painting I made a few years back popped on my phone and I felt like reminding myself and you all of the idea of detachment. 

This worldly life, the dunya, is just like the ocean. And our hearts are the ships. We can use the ocean for our needs and as a means to get to our final destination. But the ocean is only that: a means. It is a means for seeking food of the sea. It is a means of travel. It is a means of seeking a higher purpose. But it is something which we only pass through, but never think to remain in. Imagine what would happen if the ocean became our end – rather than just a means.

Eventually we would drown.

As long as the ocean’s water remains outside the ship, the ship will continue to float and be in control. But what happens as soon as the water creeps into the ship? What happens when the dunya is not just water outside of our hearts, when the dunya is no longer just a means? What happens when the dunya enters our heart?

That is when the boat sinks.

That is when the heart is taken hostage and becomes a slave. And that is when the dunya – which was once under our control – begins to control us. When the ocean’s water enters and overtakes a ship, that ship is no longer in control. The boat then becomes at the mercy of the ocean.

The Prophet(peace and blessings be upon him) reminds us to “be in this world like a traveller, one who’s passing by” 

He also says “What relationship do I have with this world? I am in this world like a rider who halts in the shade of a tree for a short time, and after taking some rest, resumes his journey leaving the tree behind.” (Ahmad, Tirmidhi)

We must detach from dunya to make room for our soulful connection with Allah this coming month of Ramadan.

The ego is only an illusion, but a very influential one. Letting the ego-illusion become your identity can prevent you from knowing your true self. -Wayne Dyer

This is one of my favourite things to talk about! The more we understand our ego, the more masterful we become with ourselves. The question is, what is ego? Is it the enemy? And the answer is not simple. I can only share my knowledge of the ego based upon a few of my own ego-vigilant experiences and some amount of research and book learning. I am fascinated with the power of ego and definitely have a journey ahead of myself to become more and more aware of it.

Some people would say that the ego doesn’t exist as they have never seen it. Others might think that everything about them is a part of their personality. The ego may be blamed for many problems and is often labelled as the enemy. To begin to understand the concept of our ego, we need a self-reflective process to look inward in a way that we see parts of our behaviours, emotions and thoughts in a different light than mere personality traits. When our goal is self mastery, there is very little room for blaming and unconscious reliance on preprogrammed thoughts.

Ego seems to be an abstract, hard to define concept. The other complication is that the ego has many means of expression. It shows up in different ways and impacts our minds and emotions accordingly. Most of us are unconsciously allowing the ego to take the lead. Our society feeds us a very egocentric way of conducting ourselves. But conscious living is a whole different ball game. It requires awareness and a deeper connection with our minds and souls. It opens the possibility of choosing how we want to conduct ourselves in a way that is free of our preceding paradigm. We must make the choice to unlearn things and discover the rebirth of a soulful higher self.

Most of us are raised to believe that our labels are important. We don’t really understand why at a younger age, thereby developing a thought pattern unconsciously that drives us while keeping us empty on the inside. Much of our time, energy, and efforts in this world seem to be directed at driving towards the positive labels of ‘intelligence’ and ‘success’. We are also running away from the negative labels ‘stupid’ and ‘failure’. Such labels have emotional value attached to them which is what makes us show up the way we do.

The game of labels and image is set up by the ego. It keeps us trapped in a system of labels and cycles of emotions. You always seem to be running after the next big thing to prove your success and maintain your labels. Or you run away from things to dodge other negative labels. There is always something to prove to others or some way to compare with others.

You want to look a certain way, physically or intelligently to maintain your ‘image’. You want to be right and win the arguments to prove you have knowledge and correct opinions. You can’t accept mistakes or say ‘sorry’. You seek praise and want to be known for your successes. You fall into perfectionism. You don’t feel you need to learn anything from someone else, be criticized or corrected. You don’t want to loose in a board game even. A new perspective triggers you. An unknown concept makes you uncomfortable. You are the way you are and that’s what you tell yourself. Are you noticing a pattern? Where’s the room for humility and growth in there? These are all manifestations of your ego!

The above doesn’t reveal all the facets and layers of the ego. If you can relate to any or all of the above, don’t worry, most humans do as we all have egos. Your ego demands a self image where you find yourself better or less than others. Another name for ego can be self-importance. Everyone develops an ego growing up early in life. The difference later in life is, how healthy the ego is or how is the ego destructive and causing misery in your life.

We mostly hear of ‘ego’ in self praising, arrogant kind of contexts. However, the times when we are too shy or fearful of expressing our truths, we are serving our ego. This is when we begin to feel like we are ‘not good enough’ or are ‘less than’ in comparison to others in some way. Self-acceptance as well as self-rejection are automatic parts of your belief system and your ego identity. Your fear of being seen and known or being raw and real is truly because of submitting to the ego.

At times, your ego makes you arrogant. Other times, it makes you feel insecure and weak. It can make you obsessively self-judgmental or overly critical of others. It can make you overthink and worry about how people perceive you. It causes most of your temper problems and a lot of your fears. It doesn’t allow you to surrender and submit. It keeps you from growing and changing as it narrates a story of ‘this is who I am because xyz…’ in your mind, thereby, keeping you limited.

All you need to know and observe in yourself is this: Whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that’s the ego in you. -Eckhart Tolle

Your ego plays the game of labels and appearances. It could make you seek them or fear them. If it can keep you in the game, striving for success, money wins, and being smart, you never stop long enough to feel fulfilled, satisfied, pleased, accepting of the moment, or grateful in your life. The times when your allow the ego to control you, it is difficult to be happy and fulfilled. The ego only allows for temporary self acceptance with a condition attached to it. The result is that you lose the game of consciousness and contentment.

Don’t get me wrong! Seeking success in life is something necessary and should be sought. However, our intention changes everything completely. What drives us is important. Is it our ego or our soul? That is the million dollar question!

The ego is working to control your attention by seeking superiority in different ways. Here are some of the manifestations of the ego that I have come to understand:

• It needs to be known, seen, and heard (projects great unhappiness when it doesn’t get what it wants)
• It causes us to take things personally and have hurt feelings
• It can make us feel small, needy, or ‘not enough’
• It can make us feel falsely puffed up and arrogant 
• It keeps us comparing with others
• It prevents us from learning or seeking advice or help
• It makes us fear loss as it attaches us to our ‘image’ and worldly ‘stuff’ 
• It keeps us from being free, innocent and authentic

In contrast, if we learn to befriend our ego, we can develop soulfulness. This is coming to me slowly with practice. Although, I am making my mistakes and still fall into the traps of the ego. The more I think I don’t know, the more I’m open to soaking in advice, knowledge, wisdom, and awareness. As I identify my egoistic inclinations, I’m able to make a conscious effort to go against the ego and cultivate humility. My gifts, successes, and experiences bring more gratitude instead of arrogance. The goal is to live in constant awareness of the ego mind and challenge ourselves to negate its needs.

When my ego begins to sabotage me with self-doubt, stress, aggressiveness, self-righteousness, shame, hypocrisy, jealousy, suspicion, or greed, I observe it and remind myself that it is not the essential me. I change from an ego-based existence to a soul-based one with the awareness that my ego has become unfriendly. Awareness in and of itself is often the solution to any problem.

How do you become aware? You will need to tap into your higher self for this one. Your soulful self keeps a check on the ego. Set an intention each morning: I intend to observe my ego today. The moments your ego is in check, you’re living soulfully.

The ego can be a good friend, as it helps you train your consciousness. But it is definitely the enemy when it is out of control and screaming to have its needs met. It is important to put it in its due place as it is definitely not who you are. As a creation of the mind, the ego only knows its own contents, not the true self and its contents. You are soul without limits and your ego doesn’t know that. That’s the beauty of it! Once you understand and recognize your ego, you will be on your way to befriend it and work with it through conscious living.

1. Dreams can come true – believe in them and dream BIG!
2. The more you give, the more you will receive. So be Generous.
3. Ask. Believe. Receive. Expect the best – you get what you expect.
4. You create your own reality. Your Happiness and Success are hidden within YOU.
5. Forgiveness creates happiness, liberation, and Peace. Decide to let go.
6. Everyone is doing the best they can. Give chances but maintain your Boundaries.
7. Eat healthy. Exercise. Meditate. Self care is Key!
8. With Tests comes Ease. Time passes, things change. So remain positive!
9. Your life has meaning and purpose. Find it and work towards it passionately.
10. How to accept a compliment graciously- smile and genuinely say thanks.
11. Have Tawakkul (reliance) and strong Faith in the Mightiness of Allah.
12. An attitude of Gratitude can be life changing! Practice. Write a gratitude journal.
13. You are just as capable as anyone else. Don’t ever underestimate yourself!
14. Choose your Influence- It can make or break you! Your people reflect who you become!
15. Only compete with yourself! Focus on your own journey.